I tried to give up smoking earlier this month. Cold-turkey, actually. I lasted five days. All I could think about was how much I wanted to drag off a slender rod of gourmet tobacco manufactured by American Spirit. On that last night, I found myself driving, with pathetic anticipation, across town to the only store open at 11pm. Quitting is for losers, I decided.

Sure, I'll try this quitting-thing again and hopefully succeed. I confess that I eagerly await the glorious day that science, oh science, produces a healthy cigarette that is safe, but satisfying to the lungs. The idea might be mere science-fiction now, but with our rapidly growing technologies, anything is possible.

Those of you in my audience of approximately 5 are most likely scoffing at my terrible habit. Scoff all you like! Each of you has your addictions, I'm sure of it! Not nearly as unhealthy as mine, I'll grant that, but tell me, who among my spectators plays Warcraft in moderation? And can you really quit anytime you like?

Warcraft, its the new 'gateway' drug game.

I'll wager all the tea in China, that Warcraft players have withdrawals and cranky moments where they'd rather be on some mystic quest then at their workstations. My sister gets cranky when she doesn't have peanut butter in the morning. Peanut butter, of all things and she can't seem to get off of it either. While I agree that looking down an empty jar of Adams is sad and disappointing, at least I've never woke up passed out on the floor with peanut butter dried on my face and not known where I've been the night before!

Now that girl has issues!

From Mars, with Love.

Money well spent as far as I see it. That such technology is not already developed is quite maddening to my inner geek. Throwing Startrek in with the whole concept isn't helping either.

Naturally, I agree with William Shatner. I always wished there were 'portals' I could walk through to get me from home to the store and back. A subtle and smaller version of the Stargate perhaps. Or, maybe something a bit more inconspicuous would be better. Imagine living in a world where such a 'gateway' was as common and ordinary as the microwave. There would be little use for any other means of earthly transportation, with regards to pleasure driving through the country and four-wheeling in the hills.

With technology like that I might be able to get to work on time.

Then again... probaley not.

With MSN Messenger down, Humble ISP went into Defcon 2 today. Hardly an emergency, but annoying nonetheless. So, I get Bill Gates on the red phone.

"Good morning, Bill!" I greeted cheerfully.

"Good morning, Jessi." Came his reply, flat and humorless, over the phone.

I cringed. It was obvious that the darklord was not in a good mood today and I felt my good spirits sizzle away like rain in the Sahara desert.

"The Messenger service is down." I stated, nervously fingering the coiled cord of my phone.

"We are aware of that, Jessi. Do not worry, though. You will soon be able to gab with your Mother about petty everyday nonsense shortly."

Noting the impassive tone to his voice, I knew he was not trying to be comforting.

"We brought the Messenger service down purposely." Bill declared darkly. "We knew you would call. We wish to have a word with you."

I swallowed hard. "Oh yeah?"

"Yesss..." He slurred. I pictured the scene perfectly. In his barely lit business suite in Redmond, he sat hunched over his diamond-encrusted desk, a wicked smile stretching across his face as saliva dripped from the left corner of his mouth and his right eye twitched sporadically.

"We wanted to dissscusss your current use of Firefox."

I felt the sweat trickle past my temple and into my hair. Damn those MS Ninjas! I had a feeling they'd been stalking around.

I onced loved Internet Exlorer. What carefree and easy browsing! Aside from the continuous assault of spyware, of course. I took that barrage with faith in Microsoft's ability to rectify the situation and some hairpulling. I fought the invaders with regular scans by Ad Aware and Spybot. The use of those non-Microsoft programs did manage to raise a few eyebrows at the executive building in Redmond, but it didn't matter too much. As long as I was part of the 95.5 percentage of IE users throughout the browser world, those in the Microsoft hierarchy remained quiet.

Then one day, everything changed. My co-worker Beau, a freedom loving rebel, installed a beta version of the Firefox browser on my computer. I played and surfed for a few minutes, impressed with the idea of having my spyware problems greatly reduced. I also liked its other useful features, like tabs. I was so pleased, I never noticed Beau's terrified gasping in the desk in front of me.



I imagine Bill Gates had somehow spied the installation of Firefox on my computer and with a single flick of the wrist, cut off the air to Beau's lungs. Why he didn't kill me for sacrilege right then and there, I will never know.

"We demand an explanation..." Bill continued. "You may as well tell ussss why you have alsssso eyed the Mac Mini and the Ipod."

It happens to the best of us. As a person who once scoffed at the idea of ever using a Mac, my once firm resistance to Apple's seductive line of hardware has slowly dissolved since the release of the Mac Mini. Not only is the machine adorable, but affordable. As for the Ipod... who wouldn't want one? Is the new Shuffle not the most darling MP3 player to be put out on the market? Damn you Steve Jobs. Damn you!

"Uh... I... well..." I stammered, knowning nothing I could say would warrant forgiveness for the mortal sins I had committed against Microsoft. I was quite doomed. The horrible death Beau suffered will soon be coming to me. There was no escaping Bill's uncompromising wrath. Already, the air was heavier and I was having some difficulty breathing.

"Well!" Bill exclaimed suddenly, sounding more like a scolding father then a sinister menace from the deep. "At least you haven't started using Linux."

Shocked by his rapid transformation, I didn't know how to reply.

"Interesting that a 'moderately critical' flaw has been found in the so-called elite Firefox browser." Bill went on, his glee undisguised. "Not that we had anything to do with that..."

"Of course not, sir." I managed to say.

Bill cleared his throat. "Continue to use Firefox if you wish to, though I recommend you try our Anti-Spyware program and give Internet Explorer another try."

I brightened a great deal. The Windows Anti-Spyware Beta had been receiving great reviews. I was also reminded of my silent promice that I would use Internet Explorer again once Microsoft released a superior product. That product seemed to be on its way.

"Yes sir." I said gratefully.

"The Messenger service will be back soon." Bill said, his voice flat again. "You have a good day."

"You too sir." I replied, looking out the window to see sunshine and blue skies. It looked like it was going to be a good day after all.

"One more thing, Jessi." He said and out of nowhere a cloud rolled by and filtered the sun. "I didn't kill Beau. He's been relocated to Texas. Your memory is absolutely terrible."

"Uh..." I winced and made a mental note to find my tinfoil hat. "I ate paint chips when I was little... yeah."

"Of course you did. Good bye."

****

Shortly after I posted this... MSN Messanger was back up.